14. Let Go of Something

...I'm embarassed. Not only did I go and promise you a 4th of July post that I didn't deliver on, but I also went MIA for the last month...after promising not to do that again. Oops. July has been sheer insanity. Seriously. I feel like I have something going on every single day, which I'm totally not used to during the school year. A lot of my friends are back in town for the summer and since I actually have my nights free, I've been cramming in as much friend time as I can. As much as I love it, I think both my wallet and I are ready for things to slow down. Honestly, I'd love nothing more than to be a hermit and sit in my PJs all day and eat junk while watching the Opening Ceremony for the Olympics on my DVR...but I think we both know that's not going to happen.

I will say that despite the crazy, I've been super productive this month. My house is finally starting to feel like a home. As much as people keep telling me my house will never feel "done", I'm determined to prove them wrong. Maybe not in a "permanently done" way, but "done for now" is good enough for me. I'm also in the process of slowly (painfully slowly) rebuilding my wardrobe. I've kinda put new clothes on the back burner for the last 2 years, so I'm now finding myself with clothes I bought 5+ years ago that don't fit. I'm having fun buying new things but again, my wallet is not. Life is expensive...sigh. Work has been going well. That's probably where I've been the most productive. I don't know how I did it, but I somehow lesson-planned all fifteen of my dance classes for the first 15 weeks of class. I usually don't even start that until August, so being done feels crazy awesome. Yay! And I'm already planning next year's recital. I don't wanna talk about it...ha.

I have also been working on my list as much as possible, but some of these things are crazy hard! This one, #14, was not one I was planning to blog about, but Ria convinced me it would be a good idea. This one gets a bit personal, so please bear with me. Also, since this is pretty personal, I'd just like to put out there that this is something that I don't plan to talk about outside of this blog...so please don't ask. :)

When Ria gave me my list on my birthday, I pretty much knew right away what I wanted to let go of...and I was convinced it would be a piece of cake. I actually thought it would be one of the first things I would cross off my list. But here we are, four months in to this process, and it's not crossed off the list. Even after today, it still won't be. The thing I'm giving up is a person and the feelings attached to that person. I'm not giving up love or happiness or anything like that; I'm giving up the anger and resentment I've attached to this person. For those of you who know me personally, I'm not really an angry or resentful person. Yeah, I can get pissed off just like anyone, but it generally doesn't last long. Hell, I can't even stay mad at my sisters for more than a day. But I've been angry at this person for a really long time...a REALLY long time. Too long.  Because of the list and other life circumstances, I've been thinking about this person a lot. I don't miss them. I don't wish they were still in my life. They're just kind of...there. At first, I was ok with it, but the longer they've been in my head, the more frustrated I've gotten. I've tried talking it out with Ria and my friend, Jessica, but I don't really make any progress. But that all changed on Monday.

Really early Monday morning, I had a dream about this person. That's not uncommon...I've been having a ton of dreams about this person lately. As I always do, I talked it out with Jessica, but I didn't feel any better afterwards.  As I climbed into bed that night, I decided I was done. I was done thinking, dreaming, and being angry at this person. It just wasn't worth it anymore. I was emotionally spent and just wanted to stop being so angry. So, I had a little chat with God. Now, I don't generally talk about my religious views (although that's coming up in a blog post...but let's be honest, it'll probably be a year before I get around to it...) but I will say this: I pray a lot. Several times a day, but not in the way that I'm sure most people do. I just "chat". It's very informal; I swear sometimes, I make jokes, I'm just myself.  So, I told God I was ready to be done with this person. I wanted to let go once and for all, and with all the bitching I'd been doing lately, I'm pretty sure God wanted me to be done too. So, I did something that I hadn't done before. Instead of focusing on all the negatives attached to this person, I started to think about the positives. I was surprised to find that there were a lot of them. This person introduced me to someone that I now consider one of my best friends. This person also introduced me to my favorite sandwich. (And that's pretty damn important.) This person taught me how to be funnier and how to embrace sarcasm. I could go on, but I won't. Basically, what it came down to was, although I'm a much different person now than I was when this person was in my life, this person kinda helped me get there. (Are you allowed to use the word "person" three times in one sentence?)

Now, as I mentioned earlier, this one isn't ready to be crossed off the list...yet. Despite my "breakthrough", I do have a long way to go. But I gave myself a mental exercise to help me: everytime I think of this person, I make myself smile and think about the good that he/she brought to my life. And then I move on. So far, it's going really well and I'm really excited about it. So excited that I shared all this with Ria an hour ago, and she insisted that I blog about it right away. She said that it might inspire people...and I hope it does.